Kaiba in Wonderland
by Laurelio
Summary: A parody of Alice in Wonderland using the Yu-Gi-Oh characters. Written in script form. Don't kill me! Rated T for alot of bad language, and because Bakura wants to turn the story into a yaoi. XD Please let me know how you like it!
1. Pushed Down the Rabbit Hole

_**~Kaiba in Wonderland~**_

_Hello there! It's Laurel, and while watching King Kong and thinking about the Nightmare Before Christmas, I had the idea to write a parody of Alice in Wonderland involving Yu-Gi-Oh! Don't ask… I'm weird. Then again, you all know that. ;D This is dedicated to other me, Lizzie!_

-Kaiba and Mokuba are in a random meadow, playing card games-

Kaiba: Why do you want to play out here and not inside, Mokuba?

Mokuba: Because it's a beautiful day! And I don't want you to be tempted with work. I mean, you never sleep! You look so tired…

Kaiba: …..hmph.

Kaiba: ANYWAY, as I was saying, if you use the Blue Eyes White Dragon, it's pretty much a guaranteed win… -Yawn-

Mokuba: But I don't have that card…

Kaiba: Sucks for you.

Mokuba: Aww… Seto can I please see it?

Kaiba: ……I guess. Just this once….

Mokuba: You know, what's the point of telling me about it if I can't even use it!

Kaiba: I don't have to answer that. –Pulls it out- Well, here it is. Isn't it sexy?

Mokuba: Not real-Yes big brother. Its very presence fills me with ecstasy.

Kaiba: .....Good answer…… -Closes eyes-

Mokuba: -Hears noise- Look Seto! It's… Yugi?

-Yugi hops by in a bunny outfit- Oh great, I'm late. I can't believe how late I am. This is terrible.

Kaiba: -opens eyes- Yugi WHY the hell are you dressed as a rabbit? And wouldn't running get you there faster than hopping? Wow you look like an idiot.

Yugi: -stops hopping to glare at Kaiba and take his blue eyes white dragon and continues to hop off-

Mokuba: Surprised expression!!!

Kaiba: YUGI WHAT THE HELL?! YOU'RE DEAD! –Gets up and hops after him-

Mokuba: Seto why aren't you running?

Kaiba: Oh yeah… -Runs after him- Yugi, GIVE ME MY CARD!

Yugi: I'm late!!! So laaaate! –Hops down a rabbit hole-

Kaiba: You've got to be fucking kidding me. YUGI! GIVE ME MY-

Mokuba: BROTHER DID YOU GET IT? –Accidently runs into him-

Kaiba: -Falls inside- AAHHH! Mokuba you IDIOT!!!

_And so, Seto Kaiba's journey in Wonderland begins…_

Kaiba: I'm getting pretty sick of falling. –Checks cell phone- Ugh… still no service.

-Falls on his ass- Ow… well at least I've finally landed. Now where did Yugi go with my card? OH MY GOD I GOT DIRT ON MY $40,000 JACKET!

-Sees Yugi go thru a random door, and close it behind him-

Kaiba: Oh no you don't! Get BACK here with my card!

-Runs up to the door- Oh perfect. It's locked. Now what am I gonna do?

-Turns around and sees a cutesy glass table, with a cutesy little cupcake that says "Eat me."

Kaiba: That's creepy. No way I'm gonna eat that! I'm a billionaire, and so many people want me killed. It's probably poison.

-Lizzie randomly walks in- Well, you have to, because if you don't, you won't get through the door and retrieve your card.

Kaiba: Who are you?

Lizzie: Who am I not?

Kaiba: …what?

Lizzie: AH! o.O –Runs away-

Kaiba: I am NOT eating some fucking weird little cupcake! Screw the baked goods I have common sense! But… I do need to get through the door…

-Pegasus randomly walks by- Well hey there, Kaiba-Boy. How are you?

Kaiba: What the hell are you doing here?

Pegasus: I just LOVE morning strolls through rabbit holes. It's simply faaabulous. Care to join me?

Kaiba: No… well, actually, I wanted to give you something.

Pegasus: OOOH how delightful. What is it?

Kaiba: I baked you this cupcake, it would mean a lot to me if you ate it. I worked so many hours to bake it.

Pegasus: Very kind of you, Kaiba-Boy. How thoughtful! –Takes a bite- Mmm it's soo scrumptious. I can taste the love you put into it when you baked it and-

-Starts to choke, and falls over, dead- -A random little key appears, despite this-

Kaiba: I knew it was poison! –Takes the key- Whatever, at least I got this. –Opens the door- stupider and stupider…

Kaiba: Now… where did Yugi get to?

_To be continued..._


	2. Nonsense Stories and a Fire

_[Chapter two! =D How are you guys liking it so far? BTW Lizzie is a friend of mine, since it's dedicated to her I throw her in from time to time. XD So hopefully no confusion there.]_

-Kaiba opens the door only to reveal a graveyard, with bodies sprawled everywhere-

Kaiba: That's a little creepy…

Yugi's Grandpa: -Appears rowing a boat even though there is no water- Stop right there sonny.

Kaiba: -Sigh- Look, I don't have time for any bullsh-

Yugi's Grandpa: And now I'm going to waste your time with a useless story that may or may not have a moral in it.

Kaiba: I don't feel like listening, old MAN. –Tries to walk off, but somehow can't move his body- Oh, fucking perfect.

Yugi's Grandpa: I won't let you leave until I tell my story.

Kaiba: …….Ugh

Yugi's Grandpa: Silence now for the story…

_There was once a blue pony by the name of Martin. He wanted to become a popstar, but his parents frowned upon that idea. So because they kept running down his dreams, he decided to kill them. He took a knife and went up to their bedroom and-_

Kaiba: What the fuck are you doing telling a story like that?

Yugi's Grandpa: You be QUIET and let me finish!

Kaiba: …Grr….

Yugi's Grandpa: As I was SAYING…

_So Isabella the clam decided she must go to Paris if she ever wanted to be happy, because her true love was there. However, because she had no money this proved to be rather difficult for her. She started to cry when suddenly-_

Kaiba: Okaaay... what the fuck. Weren't you just telling a story about a pony who wanted to be famous but went psychotic instead?

Yugi's Grandpa: Stop interrupting my story you arrogant child! Anyway,

_Without a doubt, Stuart the transvestite burrito believed in himself, and no matter what anyone said about his lack of arms and legs, he would PLAY basketball, for-_

Kaiba: ….LET ME GO!!! I WANT MY CARD BACK!

Yugi's Grandpa: So impatient.

_And so the bottle of shampoo let go of his fears, and crossed the finish line. The end._

Yugi's Grandpa: Hopefully you've learned something.

Kaiba: Uh no…

Yugi's Grandpa: You are so ignorant!

Kaiba: You didn't even finish a story! I have somewhere to be!

Yugi's Grandpa: Oh, just go. You obviously don't appreciate my stories.

Kaiba: -Runs outta there as fast as he can- Stupider and stupider…

_And so our dear Seto Kaiba continued to walk through the cemetery, in high hopes of finding his beloved card that was stolen from him…_

Kaiba: Thank god I'm out of that fucking weird graveyard. –Sigh- I wonder if I'll ever find my card… -Yugi hops past him towards a house-

Yugi: Oh great… I forgot them! I can't see the queen without having them handy…Argh what am I gonna do?

Kaiba: Hey! Yugi! Give me my card back! I've been chasing you all day and I'm pretty damn sick of it!!

Yugi: -Glares at Kaiba- THERE you are Fabio!! Go get my deck! I forgot it and I need it!

Kaiba: …What the fuck did you just call me?

Yugi: FABIO stop playing games and go get it!

Kaiba: GIVE ME MY DAMN CARD

Yugi: FABIO I'M GOING TO BE LATE!

Kaiba: If I play your little game will you give me back my fucking card?

Yugi: YES YES WHATEVER JUST HURRY UP FABIO, I'M GONNA MISS MY TRAIN!

Kaiba: …–Sighs and walks towards the house- What the hell is wrong with everyone today? Stupider and- -enters the house and looks around- Figures they'd be RIGHT HERE ON THE TABLE!!! Hm… what's this?

–Sees a juice box labeled: "Yugi's. Drink it and die, bitch."

Kaiba: -Evil glare- This is what you get, Motou. –Drinks the juice-

Kaiba: Not bad. Kinda tastes like- -Feels himself growing bigger- Okay... what the hell??

–Looks in a mirror- MY HAIR IS GREEN! NO MY $40,000 JACKET IS GONNA RIP!

Yugi: -Sticks his head in the door- Fabio I'm tired of your incompetence, I- why are you so big?

_[An: That's what she said.]_

Yugi: Well… looks like I have to burn my house down.

Kaiba: WHAT?! WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT?!

Yugi: -Picks up deck that fell on floor- It's okay I have like four others. –Lights match-

Kaiba: NO THAT'S NOT MY CONCERN!

Yugi: Well, aren't you sweet? Thinking only of yourself and not my well being. Fine.

–Throws lit match on the ground- –Hops away- I'm late as it is.

Kaiba: Yugi!!! NO!!! I DON'T WANNA DIE WITH GREEN HAIR!

-Lizzie appears with a tic tac and holds it up to Kaiba- Eat this if you want to live.

Kaiba: …….I guess I don't have a choice. –Eats it and start to get his normal height and hair color back-

-They both get out of the house before it burns down-

Lizzie: There ya go!

Kaiba: I saw you earlier… just who ARE you? –Looks down- NO! My jacket has smoke damage!

Lizzie: I'm not you.

Kaiba: …I KNOW that!

Lizzie: Do you?

Kaiba: YES!!!

Lizzie: Alright, alright. My name is-

-A brightly colored blue train goes by Yugi's now burnt house-

Lizzie: HURRY KAIBA CATCH THE TRAIN! –Flies away-

_(To be continued...)_


	3. Train Chases and a Caterpillar?

Kaiba: Wait! No! Why the hell would I want to catch a train anyway- -sees Yugi on it, eating a carrot- Fucking STUPIDER AND STUPIDER!!!

Kaiba: OH NO YOU DON'T YOU BASTARD! –Chases the train by running on the side of it- My $40,000 jacket is totally destroyed.

Duke Devlin: Hurry dude!!! Come on! You can make it!

Kaiba: -Runs-

Duke: Give me your HAND!!!

Kaiba: -Reaches for Duke's hand and climbs aboard the train-

Duke: Sweeeeet you get to live the life of a hobo! I'm Duke, and this is-

Kaiba: Mokuba?! What are you doing riding a train wearing dirty clothes? Dirty matching clothes to that of Duke's…

Duke: I'm Tweedle Duke. That's Tweedle Dumb.

Mokuba: You said my name could be Tweedle BUM since we live the hobo life!

Duke: Changed my mind.

Kaiba: Mokuba's a hobo?

Duke: We both are. It's a pretty sweet deal man, as long as we find sandwiches and Hello Kitty cigarettes.

Mokuba: But Tweedle Duke you always eat my sandwiches and take my Hello-

Duke: Shut up Tweedle Dumb.

Kaiba: …Ooh…kay? I came to get my card. Where the hell is Yugi?

Duke: Who?

Kaiba: Yugi!

Mokuba: The one who's extremely short wearing a bunny outfit carrying a deck of cards frantically saying, "I'm late?"

Kaiba: …Obviously.

Duke: Ooh that guy. Never heard of him.

Kaiba: WHAT?! BUT HE JUST SAID-

Yugi: -Appears out of nowhere and knocks Kaiba over- BUNNY BUN BUN CUTESY RABBIT CARROT FLUFFY ATTACK KICK! =O

Kaiba: -Falls out of the train and rolls down a hill- WHAT THE HELL!!!

Mokuba: That wasn't kind.

Yugi: I need to practice my attack kicks!

Duke: Hello Kitty cigarette anyone?

Mokuba: Sure!

Duke: TOO bad.

Mokuba: You are so cruel.

_[AN: I know there were no trains or hobos in Alice and Wonderland, {that's a shame though}, but the thought of Kaiba living like one trying to catch a train is just priceless. XD]_

Kaiba: Yugi… I will kill you for that. Ow… that fall hurt… where am I? How will I ever catch Yugi now! Fucking perfect. –Sees smoke rising a little ways into the forest-

Kaiba: Maybe the forest cuts through to wherever the train is going…

-Walks through it for about ten minutes and sees Marik sitting on a giant mushroom smoking a hookah-

Kaiba: …Marik?

Marik: Who ARE you?

Kaiba: Seto Kaiba.

Marik: No, who ARE you?

Kaiba: I'm fucking Seto Kaiba!

Marik: YOU'RE FUCKING SETO KAIBA?

Kaiba: What the? No! I AM him!

Marik: Dude I just want to know who you are! I don't care about your sex life!

Kaiba: YOU ALREADY DO!

Marik: I know. TMI, btw. T-M-I! Enough about you. I'm gonna be a beautiful butterfly!

Kaiba: …What?

Marik: Oh come on its so obvious I'm a caterpillar!

Kaiba: ……No you aren't!

Marik: YES I AM!

Kaiba: ………

-Several moments of silence pass-

Marik: So seriously who are you?

Kaiba: I'm leaving. I have no time to waste here.

Marik: WAIT! STAY! TELL ME A STORY!

Kaiba: ??? No!!!

Marik: YOU SUCK!

Kaiba: STUPIDER AND STUPIDER! –Starts to leaves-

Marik: WAIT! COME BACK! I HAVE SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO SAY! COME BACK!!!

Kaiba: -Stops- WHAT?!

Marik: It's a good bit of advice for you.

Kaiba: Like I need advice from a wannabe loser like you.

Marik: ……My advice is, when doing laundry be sure to separate lights and darks. If the colors mix, you won't be happy.

Kaiba: Thanks but I know how to do my fucking laundry.

-A sudden and random cloud of smoke appears all around Marik-

Kaiba: -Coughs- What the hell?

-Once smoke is cleared Marik strikes a pose, revealing his smexy _[Author's note: Or so he thinks.]_ butterfly wings.

Marik: I TOLD you I was a caterpillar you jerk!

Kaiba: Well I'll be damned… and UGH my $40,000 jacket smells like smoke now!

Marik: -Starts to fly and calls out- By the way, take a piece of the mushroom from both sides. You'll need it! Catch ya later Bitch!

Kaiba: ….Like I'm gonna listen to Mr. Laundry Boy.

-Lizzie appears, again- Listen up, you better listen to him, no matter how weird he is.

Kaiba: Why should I take orders from you?

Lizzie: Because if you don't I'll use the Millennium rod to control your mind and make you face all your fangirls.

Kaiba: NO! Not that! Okay, okay. –Takes both sides of the mushroom- But what do I do with them?

Lizzie: Give me a piece.

Kaiba: ….? Okay…? –Hands her a piece-

Lizzie: -Throws it at his head- THAT'S FOR EVER QUESTIONTING WHO I AM!

Kaiba: BUT WHO ARE YOU?!

Lizzie: NOOO!!! –Disappears-

Kaiba: WHAT THE FUCKIN' HELL?!

-Looks at the ground to see where the mushroom fell, only to find a path has formed on the spot the mushroom was in-

Kaiba: Stupider and stupider… -Starts to walk on the path deeper into the forest-

_(To be continued!)_


	4. Psychotic Cat and a Crazy Tea Party

_[Chapter 4! We left off on Kaiba walking through the forest after an encounter with Marik XD]_

Kaiba: This stupid path… stupid Yugi… I hate my life.

Random voice: Oh, don't be like that.

Kaiba: …Who's there?

Random voice: Look up in the trees.

Kaiba: -Looks- Bakura? What the hell are you doing up there!

Bakura: I'm the Cheshire cat.

Kaiba: You don't seem very cattish to me.

Bakura: You don't seem very cattish either.

Kaiba: That's because I'm NOT a cat.

Bakura: Good, I'm glad we have that established. –Teleports to the ground in front of Kaiba-

Kaiba: How the hell did you do that?

Bakura: I TOLD you already. I'm the Cheshire cat. Look at my tail and ears!

Kaiba: …Uh…right. Those are fake. Well, I'm gonna go-

Bakura: Oh no you aren't. I'm not finished with you. I serve one purpose in this entire story, and that's to turn it… into a YAOI.

Kaiba: Get. The. Fuck. Away. From. Me.

Bakura: No Kaiba, you see I can't do that. Not until we're all finished…

Kaiba: We aren't even a regular yaoi couple in all the fanfics! It's usually always me and Yami, you and Marik.

Bakura: -Makes his way closer to Kaiba and purrs- I don't care. I WILL turn this story into a yaoi.

Kaiba: That's ridiculous!

Bakura: No, what's ridiculous is that we're just standing around talking. –Starts to grab Kaiba-

Kaiba: RAAAPE! –Pushes Bakura away and runs down the path-

Bakura: -Laughs and calls to Kaiba- You can run all you want, but I will find you. After all, I'm the Cheshire cat!

Kaiba: -Still running- Stupider, and stupider. AND FUCKING CREEPY!

_[AN: Obviously there was no rape in Alice and Wonderland, but this was too damn funny to pass up. XD]_

Kaiba: -Out of breath from running, and comes to a fork in the road- Okay… I think I lost him… But where do I go now? This forest is seemingly impossible to escape…

-Hears music and random noise-

Kaiba: I'll probably hate myself for this… -Walks down the path leading to the noise only to see a tea party taking place-

Kaiba: …Odd…

Tristan: Look Mad Hatter! A stranger is coming this way!

Joey: Hey! Get out of here! There's no room for you!

Kaiba: Don't be an idiot. There's plenty of room at this table. Just look at the size of it, it's so long!

_[Author's note: That's what she said. Again. XD]_

Tristan: No room!

Kaiba: -Sits across from them in spite- What exactly are you two dressed up as, anyway? You look stupider than usual.

Tristan: -Pours himself more tea-

Joey: Are you making fun of my hat? Don't! I'm the Mad Hatter! And this is MY tea party!

Kaiba: Oh you're mad all right.

Tristan: I'm the March Hare!

Kaiba: …Whatever that's supposed to mean…… why is Mai asleep and sitting between you guys?

Joey: She's a Dormouse.

Kaiba: That makes no sense at all and answers none of my questions.

Mai: Sleeepy…

Tristan: Have some beer!

Kaiba: I don't see it. I only see tea.

Tristan: That's because there isn't any.

Kaiba: Idiot.

Joey: Hey. We didn't ask you to sit down and join us, did we? Ah man, I'm out of tea. Let's move to the other side of the table.

-They get up and move a few spaces to the left-

Kaiba: I'll stay on my side, thanks.

Mai: -Gets up to sit next to them and yawns-

Joey: Hey Mai! Tell us a pointless and completely useless story to pass time!

Tristan: Yeah Mai come on! Those are my favorite!

Mai: -Yawn- I guess so…………… –Starts to fall back asleep-

Kaiba: Aren't you going to say anything?

Mai: -Opens her eyes and sits up straight- Right. As I was saying before, so I totally said it to them. Then they were all like "No!" and I replied with a "Mhm." And they gasped "Shut up!" and I was all like "It's true." After that all they could say was "OH MY GOD." and-

-Falls back asleep-

Tristan: That was beautiful.

Joey: Mai, you always tell the best stories.

Kaiba: That was retarded.

Joey: You wouldn't know a good story if it bit you in the-

Tristan: Hey! I just realized! Today is Mai's unbirthday!

Kaiba: Mai's what?

Joey: Unbirthday!

Tristan: Why settle for one birthday a year when you can have 364 unbirthdays every year?

Kaiba: Because it wouldn't be special anymore and everyone would be fat from too much cake and broke on money for presents and-

-Joey and Tristan start singing- HAVE A VERY HAPPY UNBIRTHDAY MAI!

Mai: …-Yawn- Birthday…unbirthday… yay….

Kaiba: I think it's time for me to leave.

Tristan: WAIT!

Kaiba: What?

Tristan: Mad Hatter, what if it's his unbirthday too? We can't uncelebrate it! That's breaking the rules!

Joey: You're right Tristan! Even if I do hate him, we have to celebrate.

Kaiba: How do you know it isn't my REAL birthday today?

Joey: That's absurd. Why would it be?

Kaiba: Well nothing seems to make sense at all lately… so how can I trust that it isn't another day entirely?

Tristan: Mai, what day is it?

Mai: -Looks at her watch- It's October 25th…

Kaiba: How do you get that from a simple watch?

Mai: It doesn't tell time it tells what day it is.

Kaiba: Well, if it's October 25th, then it IS my birthday.

Joey: …What?

Kaiba: You heard me.

Tristan: …............

Joey: Get. The. Fuck. Out.

Kaiba: What? So just because it isn't my unbirthday means-

Joey: I SAID GET THE FUCK OUT! –Breaks the side of the teapot so it's all sharp- GET OUT!

Kaiba: You have to be kidding me.

Joey: DID I STUTTER?! LEAVE! BITCH I WILL CUT YOU!

Kaiba: -Gets up- I was going to leave anyway. Geez, you guys are idiots.

Joey: GO!

-Kaiba leaves into the forest-

Tristan: -Starts crying on Joey's shoulder- He-he said… he said it wasn't-

Joey: -Hugs Tristan- Ssh… there there, it'll be alright.

Tristan: Today IS his…

Joey: I know, I know. Worry not, I made the bad man go away now.

Mai: -Yawns- He was… such a freak…

Kaiba: Why did I follow the noise? That was incredibly stupid. God I hope I get out of this forest… maybe my cell phone works.

-Flips open phone.-

Kaiba: Roaming. Well, at least it'll make a call. –Starts to dial when suddenly phone rings-

Kaiba: Odd… it's a blocked number. –Answers- What?

Bakura: Do you know who this is?

Kaiba: …It had better not be who I think it is.

Bakura: I will find you.

Kaiba: How did you get my number?

Bakura: Let's just say… a little butterfly told me.

Kaiba: …Marik?

Bakura: Yes.

Kaiba: And how did HE get my number?

Bakura: So, what are you wearing?

Kaiba: UGH! –Breaks phone on the ground- STUPIDER AND STUPIDER!

Bakura: You're telling me.

-Kaiba turns around to see Bakura-

Bakura: Miss me?

Kaiba: How… did you… find… me?

Bakura: Don't you just love phones that can be tracked?

Kaiba: STAY AWAY! –Runs as fast as he can-

Bakura: Run all you want. I can find you. I see your every move. I know your every thought. I am… THE CHESHIRE CAT!

Kaiba: LEAVE ME ALONE! AND FUCK MARIK FOR GIVING YOU MY NUMBER!

Kaiba: I have to get OUT of here!

-Lizzie appears running next to him-

Lizzie: Hey! What's going on?

Kaiba: Kinda running for my LIFE here!

Lizzie: Beautiful day today isn't it?

Kaiba: I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT I'M BEING CHASED BY A GAY CAT PERSON THING!

Lizzie: How silly you are.

-Bakura appears in front of them-

Bakura: You know there can't be any females. This is YAOI.

Kaiba: LEAVE ME ALONE YOU BASTARD!

Bakura: I love it when you get angry.

Lizzie: o.O –Makes a magical glass door appear out of nowhere- GO KAIBA GO!

Kaiba: IT'S A GLASS DOOR NOTHING'S BEHIND IT! AND WHO ARE YOU?

Lizzie: JUST GO UNLESS YOU WANT TO GET RAPED!

Kaiba: Uh! –Quickly goes through the door-

Bakura: That wasn't very nice.

Lizzie: Neither is trying to make MY story a YAOI.

Bakura: You can't control me. I will yaoi-ify the story!

Lizzie: UH!

Bakura: -Slowly starts disappearing until only his smile is shown- He can't hide from me for long.

_[To be continued! =D Thanks for reading!]_


	5. Roses, Croquet, and a False Accusation

_(Peoples are reading this? Yay! I'm Happy! Thanks everyone! =D)_

_ And now we join Seto! Woo!_

Kaiba: That was close. Great… where am I now though? I'm so sick of this bullshit. Looks like I'm in some kind of garden, again. With a bunch of roses… stupider and stupider…

Kaiba: Serenity? What on earth are you doing painting roses blind? Hell, why are you doing ANYTHING blinded?

Serenity: Well, Tea told me I accidently planted WHITE roses you see, and the Queen of Hearts likes red, so unless I fix them… the worst punishment will be given to me.

Kaiba: Having your head cut off?

Serenity: What the fuck? Why would it be that? The queen takes your best cards, and tears them up.

Kaiba: Um… okay? Serenity, those roses ARE red. Now you're just painting them a very unflattering white.

Serenity: Tea………… That fucking BITCH!

Kaiba: Yeah… I'm just gonna leave now…

Yugi: MAKE WAY FOR THE QUEEN OF HEARTS! –Blows a trumpet-

Kaiba: Wait what? Yugi?

Yugi: Here comes the Queen, her Majesty!

Kaiba: Ugh now what?

Serenity: OH NO! –Throws the paintbrush down and bows-

Kaiba: Yeah… I'm not doing that. NO YOU GOT WHITE PAINT ON MY WHITE $40,000 JACKET!

Yugi: PRESENTING, HER ROYAL HIGHNESS, THE QUEEN OF HEARTS!

-Yami enters the scene in a dramatic fashion-

Kaiba: -Thinks to himself- More like a drag queen……

Yami: Hello my darlings, I- -Sees his precious red roses painted white- WHO DID THIS?!

Tea: My queen, I believe it was Serenity, the rose planter.

Yami: THIS INFURIATES ME!

Serenity: But-but! Your Majesty, I was misinformed! I was told they had been planted white, and was trying to fix them!

Yami: INCOMPETENCE!

Tea: I agree, pure incompetence.

Serenity: But my Queen! Tea was the one who told me they had been planted white! I'm BLIND for crying out loud!

Yami: And now you try to speak horrid lies against my advisor? That's it.

Serenity: Your highness! Please! No!

Yami: RIP UP HER CARDS!

Serenity: NOOO!

-Yami's guards drag her away-

Kaiba: …What the fuck happened?

Yami: -Points his scepter at Kaiba- And WHO is this?!

-Marik randomly appears- Don't ask me dude, he wouldn't tell me. –Disappears-

Kaiba: -Death glare where Marik appeared-

Kaiba: My name is Seto Kaiba. But you should know that, YAMI. I've been chasing Yugi, that little son of a bitch. He's incredibly hard to track down, and has put me through hell.

Yami: I challenge you to croquet!

Kaiba: Wait what? Not a card game duel?

Yami: Why would it be a stupid card game?

Kaiba: …Hold on my mind just stopped.

Yami: Well?

Kaiba: I don't want to.

Yami: Then… TEAR UP HIS CARDS!

Kaiba: I just got here. Do you SEE any cards with me?

Yugi: I have one I took from him earlier. –Pulls out the Blue Eyes White Dragon-

Kaiba: YUGI YOU SON OF A BITCH!

Yami: That will do Yugi, thank you. –Takes it- Well, Kaiba?

Kaiba: … I don't think I have a choice. –Sighs and mutters under his breath- Stupider and fucking stupider…

Yugi: Let the game begin!

-A few moments of preparing the game go by-

Kaiba: I don't see the croquet balls.

Yugi: In this, we use Kuribohs.

Kaiba: And what do you use to hit them?

Yugi: Flamingos.

Kaiba: ………Okaaay… that makes no sense at all.

Yami: I GO FIRST!

Kaiba: Yeah, yeah. Whatever. I just want my card back.

Yami: -Hits the kuriboh with the flamingo-

Kuriboh: -Bounces, rolls, then leaps through a hoop, 12 feet high-

Yugi and Tea: AN EXCELLENT SHOT QUEEN!

Yami: -Grin-

Kaiba: …What the fuck croquet IS this? It's some kind of golf-basketball- hell I don't even know what else!

Yami: Afraid I'm going to win?

Kaiba: More afraid I'm in some kind of sick, twisted hell.

Yami: So you ARE afraid I'll win.

Kaiba: …Is it my turn to go?

Yami: -Nod-

Kaiba: -Hits his kuriboh with the flamingo- Here goes nothing…

Kuriboh: -Starts to bounce but then see's the queen glaring at him-

Kuriboh: -Slowly stops and then starts to go to sleep-

Kaiba: …THIS GAME IS FIXED!

Yami: NONSENSE! DON'T MAKE ME RIP UP YOUR CARDS! AND NOW IT'S MY TURN AFTER A BREAK! I HAVE TO RE-APPLY MY MAKEUP!

Kaiba: Ugh this is retarded. I want my card back, then to go home!

-The Queen walks off with her loyal subjects-

Kaiba: How exactly am I going to win a fixed game?

-Bakura appears- Hello there, Sexy.

Kaiba: HOW DID YOU FIND ME?!

Bakura: Your sexiness calls to me. Now bend over.

Kaiba: I'm NOT doing that.

Bakura: Don't make me force you. –Grabs Kaiba's arms-

Kaiba: Get off me you fag!

-Yami returns- WHAT'S GOING ON?

Bakura: -Releases Kaiba- Mmm, you look sexy in that dress.

Yami: Thank you, it's my best one.

Kaiba: Uh, I don't think he was-

Bakura: And those eyes. So alluring.

Yami: The Queen likes the compliments.

Kaiba: Yami you don't understand that he's-

Yami: Silence you ignorant fool!

Bakura: In fact, why don't we go somewhere else, and talk about how pretty you are?

Yami: Well that sounds quite-

Kaiba: You have game to finish, remember? Or is the "Queen" going to forfeit?

Yami: I NEVER forfeit! I should tear up your cards for saying that!

Bakura: -Growls- Would it rather be YOU Kaiba?

Kaiba: …………

-Lizzie appears out of nowhere and runs into Bakura, full speed- NO! –They randomly disappear-

Yami: Well that was weird.

Kaiba: -Sighs- I still don't know who she is. Let's just get the damn game over with.

Yami: BECAUSE I'm so kind, you can go first.

Yugi and Tea: HOW GRACIOUS OF THE QUEEN!

_[AN: Wow music is really distracting me right now. I have a sudden urge to sing karaoke. How odd…]_

Kaiba: Hmph. –Sets up his kuriboh to hit- Hopefully I can make it…

-As he hits the flamingo flies away-

Flamingo: -Flying in the sky- I'M FREE! HOLD ON MOTHER! I'M COMING HOME!

Kaiba: WHAT THE FUCK?!

Yami: AHAHA! What a fool.

Kaiba: Damn flamingo. Got its stupid pink feathers all over my $40,000 jacket…

Yami: Now it's MY turn. Let me show you how a PRO does it. –Bends over to set his Kuriboh down-

Tea: -Whispers to Yugi- LOOK! That Kaiba guy is wearing a $40,000 jacket!

Yugi: Ooh! Let's take our eyes off the Queen and stare at it!

Bakura: -Appears out of nowhere and grabs Yami's ass then disappears- Now THAT'S what a Queen's ass should feel like.

Yami: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPE!!! SOMEONE IS RAPING THE QUEEN!

Tea: SAVE THE QUEEN!

Kaiba: -At a complete loss for words-

Yugi: YOUR MAJESTY! WHO DID THIS TO YOU?

Tea: KAIBA DID IT! WE WERE SO MESMERIZED BY THE $40,000 JACKET HE DID IT!

Kaiba: How is that even possible if you were STARING AT ME WEARING MY JACKET?!

Yugi: I don't know! You're just that good at raping!

Kaiba: ………

Yami: TEAR UP HIS CARDS!

Yugi: -Starts to hand him the Blue Eyes White Dragon-

Kaiba: DON'T EVEN FUCKING TRY IT!

Tea: My Queen, maybe we could give him a trial? It's such a pretty card…

Yami: He raped me. Why should I?

Yugi: Your Highness, a trial would be a lot of fun! We could call witnesses, and have snacks afterwards!

Yami: I do love a good snack… alright fine.

Kaiba: -Thinks- How the fuck can he get witnesses if we are the only ones around? Not counting the flamingos and kuribohs…

Yugi: To trial we go!

Kaiba: …-Insert murderous images here-

_(Next chapter: The shocking trial)_


	6. At the Trial, Crime After Crime

**_(Chapter 6. We join Seto, who has been accused of raping Yami, the Queen of Hearts! =O what will happen next? And thank you to all who've read this and who've written reviews! ILU!)_**

-Inside the Royal Courthouse of Hearts-

Yami: Let the trial begin.

Yugi: May the first witness come and speak! -Looks at list- Pegasus?

-Pegasus walks up to the stand-

Yami: State what you witnessed.

Pegasus: He tried to kill me with a baked good. Thank god I had a "Get Out of Jail Free" Card with me to revive me!

Kaiba: -Thinks- Shit. How the fuck does that make sense?

Yugi: Who cares about that! What about the rape?

Pegasus: Rape?

Yugi: YES THAT'S WHAT THIS TRIAL IS FOR! Our Queen of Hearts was raped!

Pegasus: I saw nothing, then.

Yami: -Yells to the jury- (Who are a bunch of kuribohs and flamingos) WRITE THAT DOWN!

-They try their best-

Pegasus: Can I leave now?

Tea: Yes you may. Next witness?

Yami: -Glares at Kaiba- You will go down.

Kaiba: ……

-Marik walks to the stand-

Yami: Tell us what happened, strange Butterfly Man.

Marik: My name is Marik. MARIK. And unlike I, the one you have pressed charges against would not tell me his name. That was so rude. I think he's a spy from another country hiding his identity.

Kaiba: SETO KAIBA! GOD DAMMIT THAT'S MY FUCKING NAME! SETO FUCKING KAIBA!

Yami: ORDER IN THE COURT!

Marik: See? He won't tell me!

Yami: So we have a possible spy on our hands…

Kaiba: I JUST SAID MY NAME!

Yugi: Silence spy!

Tea: WRITE THAT DOWN JURY!

Yami: Wow this guy's getting worse and worse! NEXT PERSON TO THE STAND!

-Yugi's Grandpa walks up-

Yami: What can you tell us about this pressing case, old man?

Yugi's Grandpa: Who are you? –Sees Kaiba- OH! IT'S THAT INCREDIBLY RUDE LITTLE PUNK!

Yugi: How so?

Yugi's Grandpa: He interrupted all my stories!!! Stuart the transvestite burrito never got his whole story told!

Jury: -Starts crying-

Tea: …That is so sad…

Yami: -Wipes away a little tear-

Kaiba: Can you just put me to death please? Anything's better than this.

Yami: SILENCE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD!

Kaiba: Hmph.

Yugi: Thank you for your testimony.

Yugi's Grandpa: Of course. But who are you?!

Tea: Next witness!

Yugi's Grandpa: -Leaves- NO RESPECT!

Yami: Who is the next witness?

Yugi: We call the Mad Hatter, March Hare, and Dormouse to the stand.

-They walk up to the stand-

Yami: What do you know about the rape case?

Joey : Rape case?

Tristan: What does rape mean?

Joey: Later March Hare. –Sees Kaiba, glaring at him- -Pulls out teacup, breaks the side, and points it at Kaiba- GET THE FUCK OUT!

Yami: What did he do to deserve this?

Mai: He ruined our tea party.

Yami: How so?

Mai: By breaking the unbirthday tradition. He said it was his ACTUAL birthday!

Kaiba: BUT IT WAS!

Tristan: -Starts to get tears in his eyes- Shut up! Shut up! MAD HATTER MAKE HIM STOP!

Joey: SEE?!

Yugi: This is quite upsetting indeed.

Kaiba: But what does this have to do with WHAT IM FALSELY BEING CHARGED FOR?!

Tea: Everything. Shut up.

-Joey, Tristan, and Mai leave the stand with Tristan crying even harder-

Yami: So, so far we have charges against him for murder, spying for another county, party killer, aaand ignorance to heartwarming stories. Not to mention rape. MY rape. –Glares at Kaiba- It really sucks to be you right now. Next witness!

Duke and Mokuba: -walk up-

Yami: What do you know about the rape case?

Duke: Rape case? I was told this was a hello kitty cigarette and sandwich convention!

Yugi: I had to tell him SOMETHING to get him over here!

Yami: Uh fine. No Tweedle Duke, you're here to tell us about the rape case.

Duke: Hmm –thinks back- Well first of all, Kaiba leaped on our train and demanded we give him all our cigarettes and sandwiches. Then when I bravely said no, he attacked us and then threw us off the train, where we landed in some pickled cabbages, CIGARETTES DESTROYED!

Kaiba: WHAT THE FUCK!?

Yami: Cigarette murderer! And train robber!

Kaiba: Are you fucking nuts?! Tweedle Duke _helped_ me on the train, _offered_ me cigarettes and sandwiches, and then Yugi _kicked_ me off the train! I was the victim!

Yugi: -Turns to Yami- Lies and contentment my Queen.

Yami: What about you Tweedle Dum?

Mokuba: TWEEDLE BUM! I want to be Tweedle Bum!

Duke: Shut up I said no! Wow I could really go for a sandwich…

Mokuba: Anyway, Tweedle Duke won't let me eat any sandwiches, smoke any cigarettes, AND be called Tweedle Bum!

Tea: Does your testimony have anything to do with Kaiba, the queen's rape, or the case?

Mokuba: Uh no.

Yami: Well, Kaiba. Not only are you on trial for rape against ME, but now there are charges of train robbery, party killer, ruining a great story, being a spy for another country, and murder. You are so dead. And you are SO not getting a snack after the trial.

Kaiba: -Sighs-

Yugi: It says there is one more witness. I call the Cheshire Cat to the stand!

Bakura: -Sniff- Hi…

Tea: What do you know about the rape case?

Bakura: I saw the whole thing. My Queen, I am so sorry. I too, was raped by Kaiba.

Kaiba: WHAT?!

Bakura: Ever since we met, he's been coming on to me.

Kaiba: I OBJECT!

Yami: ORDER IN THE COURT! SILENCE KAIBA!

Bakura: ….May I continue?

Yami: Of course.

Bakura: So the first time we met, it was in the forest. I was in a tree, and he beckoned me down with candy. Then when I got closer he grabbed me, and threw me against the tree. I tried to yell for help, but he gagged me. Then… he raped me.

Kaiba: YOU TRIED TO RAPE ME! MISTER YAOI!

Bakura: -Starts crying- Lies! I'm just an innocent Cheshire Cat!

-Jury at this point is crying-

Yugi: Oh my, how awful.

Tea: Then what happened?

Bakura: Then he tracked me via cell phone, and started saying very graphic foul things to me. I hung up, but then he was in front of me!

Jury: -Gasps-

Bakura: AND HE CHASED ME!

Kaiba: HE WAS THE ONE WHO DID THAT STUFF TO ME!!!

Yami: SILENCE! I'VE HEARD ENOUGH! IT'S CLEAR THAT YOU, SETO KAIBA, ARE GUILTY! HOW DO YOU PLEAD?

Kaiba: YOU'RE ALL A BUNCH OF DUMBASSES!

Yugi: -Turns to the flamingos and kuribohs- Have you reached a verdict?

-Flamingos and kuribohs act crazy-

Tea: Guilty indeed...

Yami: This means one thing. Tear up his card.

**_(What'd you think? Thanks for reading! There will be one more chapter after this one)_**


	7. Escape Wonderland

_**[Final chapter. Thanks to those who have read the story! It means a lot! Hopefully I'll do another parody of something else soon =O]**_

_**Last time... on Kaiba in Wonderland!  
**_

_Yugi: -Turns to the flamingos and kuribohs- Have you reached a verdict?_

_-Flamingos and kuribohs act crazy-_

_Tea: Guilty indeed._

_Yami: This means one thing. Tear up his card._

.................._And now we return you to the story's conclusion!_

Yugi: Let me hand it to you in an incredibly slow dramatic fashion.

Kaiba: NO!

-Lizzie appears- Kaiba! The other piece of mushroom in your pocket! USE IT!

Kaiba: But-

Lizzie: THERE'S NO TIME! EAT IT!

Kaiba: -Pulls it out- Well… -Eats it-

-Kaiba grows larger and larger-

_[AN: Not like that you pervert. XD]_

Lizzie: Now get your card!!!

Yami: What on earth? YUGI HURRY UP AND HAND ME THE DAMN CARD!

Yugi: Right! Sorry!

Kaiba: Do you really want to fuck with me NOW QUEEN? –Reaches and grabs Yami- GIVE ME BACK MY CARD!

Tea and Yugi: YOUR HIGHNESS!

Yami: UNHAND THE QUEEN OF HEARTS!

Kaiba: CARD. OR I SQUEEZE YOU TO DEATH.

Yami: -Reluctantly hands it over pouting-

Kaiba: -Throws Yami at the flamingos and kuribohs and glares at everyone in the courthouse- Maybe now you will all learn to RESPECT me, and NOT act like a bunch of IDIOTS!

Joey: We've gotta get outta here before he goes crazy!

Kaiba: Oh, it's way too late for that. I'm tempted to kill all of you, and I would if it wasn't for the fact that I'd get blood on my $40,000 jacket. Even though I don't think it would matter at this point, seeing as it's pretty much ruined. I outta sue YOU all for damage on it and-

-As Kaiba is talking he starts to shrink back to his regular size-

_[AN: Stop it. Stop thinking like that. Mind out of the gutter!]_

Kaiba: AND another thing! I… what just happened?

Yami: GET BACK THAT CARD AND RIP IT TO SHREDS!

Everyone: YES MY QUEEN!

Lizzie: Kaiba run!

Kaiba: -Starts to run out of the courthouse, and everyone chases him into the garden maze-

Bakura: Get BACK here KAIBA! I haven't turned this into a yaoi yet!

Duke: Hey man! We need some money for food! I want a sandwich!

Mokuba: But Tweedle Duke you'll just spend it on Hello Kitty cigarettes!

Marik: TELL ME YOUR NAME! TELL ME! I TOLD YOU MINE!

Yami: He mustn't escape! He mustn't!

Pegasus: You tried to KILL me!

Yugi: Stop! We have to rip up your card for raping the Queen of Hearts!

Yugi's Grandpa: Get back here sonny! I just thought of more stories!

Joey: You unbirthday destroyer! I'm going to cut you!

Mai: Zzzz…

Yami: TEAR UP HIS CARDS!

Bakura: Stop trying to run!

Marik: You can't escape us!

Joey: We will catch up to you!

-Kaiba loses them-

Kaiba: I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE! Looks like I've lost everyone for a moment. –Sees a glass door in the middle of the path- Fuck that I can see right through it!

Lizzie: -Appears in front of him, for the convenience of the story- Idiot! That's your way out!

Kaiba: IT'S GLASS! AND WHO ARE YOU?

Lizzie: JUST DO IT! MY NAME IS-

-Everyone turns a corner and sees him-

Tristan: THERE HE IS! GET HIM!

Kaiba: No! –Quickly opens the door and runs through it-

Kaiba: -Now running through what seems to be a random nothingness-

Everyone: -Running after him-

Kaiba: What the fuck? Oh geez I didn't shut the door! No!!! I have to run faster… or they are gonna… my card… stupider and stupider…

Mokuba: Seto! Seto wake up! It's getting late! Why are you saying weird things? Who's they?

Kaiba: ...Hmm…?

Mokuba: SETO!

Kaiba: -Opens his eyes- Mo-Mokuba?

Mokuba: You fell asleep!

Kaiba: I've been asleep?!

Mokuba: Yeah! I didn't wake you up because you seemed really tired, but now it's getting late!

Kaiba: I was asleep… my card!

Mokuba: The Blue Eyes White Dragon? It's right here! Why?

Kaiba: …No reason I guess…

Mokuba: Seto why were you saying weird things in your sleep? You said something about how "they" were going to get you, and not shutting a door?

Kaiba: It's nothing. Just a stupid dream I had.

Mokuba: Oh. You sounded pretty upset.

Kaiba: It wasn't a good dream. Let's go home.

-They start to walk back home-

Mokuba: Hey look! It's Yugi and his friends! Hi guys!

Yugi: Hi Mokuba! Hi Kaiba!

Kaiba: …

Joey: Why are you acting so rude, Kaiba?

Mokuba: He's had an off day, you could say.

Kaiba: Hmph.

Tea: Well, we all have those.

Duke: Hey is anyone up for a sandwich?

Yugi: Maybe. I'm late for getting home. Apparently Grandpa has things he must tell me.

Joey: Man, I think I'm getting sick… my throat hurts.

Tristan: Tea always helps that!

Serenity: Oh darn, my new red blouse has a… white stain on it? Weird. Didn't see that.

Duke: Hey have you guys heard of those weird new Hello Kitty brand cigarettes?

Kaiba: GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU FREAKS! –Grabs Mokuba and runs-

Mokuba: Um… bye guys…

Everyone: Bye?

Joey: Who the fuck gives a crap about Hello Kitty cigarettes anyway, Duke?

Duke: I was just saying… they are so popular it's creepy…

Yugi: You guys scare me sometimes…

Mokuba: Seto why did you act so weird?

Kaiba: …They started to bore me. Let's go home now.

Mokuba: WHOAH!

Kaiba: What is it Mokuba?

Mokuba: You-your $40,000 jacket!!! I didn't notice before but…

Kaiba: -Looks down at it- Oh my… what the…

Mokuba: It's totally ruined! But you didn't do anything to it in your sleep! I was right there!

Kaiba: It couldn't be…

Mokuba: What couldn't be, Seto?

Kaiba: …Nothing. Let's just go home. I have more anyway.

_So Kaiba and Mokuba went home. Mokuba wondered why his brother acted so strangely, and why his jacket was ruined, but decided not to ask, seeing as it upset Kaiba. As soon as they got home, Kaiba had the jacket burned, and tried not to think about how it was ruined, even though he knew the truth. "But, was it real? Did it really happen?" He wondered to himself. "No. Impossible." And with that, he dismissed his preposterous thoughts._

_Seto Kaiba never did forget his fucked up dream, though and it scarred him for the rest of his life. If ever there was mention of tea parties, yaoi, Hello Kitty cigarettes, mushrooms, flamingos, or Yami in a dress, (You'd be surprised how many times someone would start talking about that when he was present) Kaiba's memories would take him back to that place in his mind, and he would replay the terrors over and over again. Every time he thought of this- place, he called it by one name. Wonder-How-The-Fuck-Anyone-Gets-By-in-This-Fucked-Up-By-Idiots-Land. But that name was too long for him to remember, so, Seto Kaiba simply called it Wonderland. Because he was so afraid of visiting Wonderland for a second time, he never slept again._

_Just kidding, of course he had to sleep. But his dream did fuck him up real good. Heheheh._

_**~The End~**_

_**[Thanks for reading!]  
~Laurelio  
**_


End file.
